Far beyond their actions, accomplishments, and how they behaved in the face of the enemy, the single best, most accurate metric of a service member’s character is where they chose to masturbate while deployed overseas.
Don’t get us wrong, awards and accolades say plenty about a person, but if you really want to know a man — or woman — find out where they performed hand-to-gland combat while downrange. That will tell you everything you’ve never wanted to know about them.
This metric is a valuable tool for leaders, too, as it gives them a better understanding of their subordinates’ strengths and weaknesses and how to properly position them in a team. For example, you would never assign a soldier who choked his chicken in a Conex box the job of an M240 machine-gunner, because that would be insane. That job is clearly better suited to someone who hit the ham behind a Hesco barrier or manhandled their mango in the back of an M-ATV.
Knowing where a service member serviced their member while deployed is a valuable assessment tool that every soldier, sailor, airman, and Marine should have in their toolbox. It’s a great way of evaluating your leaders, peers, and subordinates, as well as a great way of avoiding walking into a messy situation. That being said, this particular method of analysis can be a bit tricky if you don’t exactly know what certain downrange masturbation habits say about a service member, which is why we’ve decided to give you a hand and threw together this quick, comprehensive guide.
The TOC
Bold, risk-taking, and most likely clinically insane. Service members who answer the bone phone in the Tactical Operations Center (TOC) tend to be the biggest adrenaline junkies in the unit. These are your Mavericks. They are in the military for the thrills and give zero shits about regulation or their careers, as evidenced by the fact that they regularly take the situation into their own hands behind the one door their entire command team could walk through at any given moment. These individuals work best on their own and make absolutely terrible wingmen.
Common Area
Broken, inconsiderate, and deeply strange. If your battle buddy regularly dishonorably discharges his Johnson in plain view of anyone and everyone unfortunate enough to walk through the common area, get a new battle buddy. These service members either have ZERO fucks left to give or are actually so deeply weird that they don’t see an issue with jingling their jewelry in a room where people are casually chilling out and playing cards. Either way, these troops are the strangest of the strange and are not to be left alone with any crew-served weapons, explosives, or second lieutenants.
Guard Tower
Paranoid, private, and really into Game of Thrones. Did you ever take a shake break while on tower guard? If so, that is a dead giveaway that you are a quiet and reserved person who gets incredibly excited at Renaissance fairs, in medieval-like structures, or when Game of Thrones comes on TV. Look, we’re not kink shaming you, Sir Plays-With-His-Lancelot; we’re just pointing out the obvious. Guard towers are private, protected places and the only structures on a modern military base where a LARPer like yourself can act out his most secretive medieval fantasies — and that’s exactly what you do. Again, not judging.
Chow Hall Refrigerator
Great sense of humor, tough, but also quietly crying out for help. Did you shake hands with the milkman in the chow hall fridge? Cooked the cucumber? Held the sausage hostage? If you did this while deployed, get help. Seriously … go talk to a mental health professional as soon as possible.
Port-a-John
Dominant, focused, and an exemplar of the American fighting spirit. There is no finer warfighter than one who conducts a little hands-on training in a port-a-shitter and actually manages to get the job done. The sheer resilience, focus, and discipline required to finish a game of pocket pool in a setting as hot, smelly, and downright depressing as a partially overflowing port-a-shitter is not commonly found. If you are a leader, and one of your subordinates regularly took to a half-cooked port-a-shitter outside the motor pool to give himself a quick oil change, know that you’ve got one hell of a warrior on your hands. Promote ahead of peers.
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